Waiting Room. + 11 months.

Biggest stress thus far happened this month. Here is what happened:

On October 5, I get a letter saying my appointment for later in the month to discuss my HSG results has been put back to November 23. They always credit such things to 'unforeseen circumstances' which is worse than no explanation, to be honest. So, a couple of days later I call IVF Wales to ask 1) why this is and 2) where we're at with the ICSI waiting list, as we've been on it nearly a year now.

They seem perplexed at this claim, look at some paperwork and tell me that, no, we went on the list in May 2011 so we would get to the 1-year stage next May. And, in fact, the wait is one year to 18 months, so that could mean treatment starts any time between May 2012 and October 2012. My heart sinks into the carpet beneath me. Quietly, I challenge what has been said to me. But I fear Dr X never did put us on that list...... they go away to check, promising to ring back.

I am so upset. Not only do I hang all my sense of stability onto the few certain points in life at the moment - these appointments being crucial examples - but a delay until even May 2012 would leave us totally stuck if we have to move for Jon's work next summer. (The treatment takes a couple of months, I think.) Potentially, we'd have to leave Wales before we'd been seen and therefore go back to square one. It doesn't bear thinking about.

My heart is beating hard when they call back. Thankfully, it's to say they've decided we should be bumped up to position as if we'd been put on the list in November 2010. As we thought. (Except the wait could drag out until May.) What a relief. Makes me realise how much tension there still is beneath the surface of my life, that I react so badly to a thing like this.

Since then, there have been two more letters changing the date of my appointment. As of now, it's likely to happen on November 21. I'll keep you posted!

Continued progress.

We have just spent a lovely weekend with some good friends in Rugby, who have two boys aged 9 months and nearly 3.

Another benefit of this whole shennanigans has been the opportunity it affords to enjoy other people's children. If I had my own, I would (rightly) be very taken up with them and their needs, and view other little ones in relation to mine. But as things are, I unreservedly appreciate the many babies and toddlers born to my friends and family members. Should we fail to conceive in the long run, I suspect the unique relationship we can enter into with others' children will be a real gift. No pride, competition, or vested interest. Just a detached (in the sense of objectivity, not lack of care) affection and concern.

Much better to get stuck into others' family life than to have friends assume you're bored in the company of children, or fail to include you in their family activities because you don't have your own. Bear this in mind, those blessed with children!

I am also really enjoying, in a way I never did before, being childless. Yes, let's go to that festival. Yes, let's spend that money. Yes, let's make sure I'm doing a job I actually want to be doing. Yes, let's stop putting off that thing I want to do. Yes, let's prune from life all that hinders its flourishing. Because, you know, this might be it. So let's enjoy it!

And, strangely, I am appreciating what it would mean to have a child much more than I did before I knew we couldn't grow one. It was just the next thing to be done, before. Now it is a thing that might happen, and if it did, it would be wonderful. I imagine, in an almost sensory way, enjoying a baby. Especially the way their heads smell! Before, I simply stressed about having one at an appropriate time and hoped I'd cope.

It's funny, really. I wouldn't say I've reached the stage where whatever happens, I'm content. But I would  go as far as to say that, whether we manage to get pregnant or not, I can see many reasons why the situation would be advantageous. Or blessed, depending on your viewpoint.

What's annoying......

Well, here is what I find annoying in relation to infertility:

• Being asked when you are going to have children
• Social occasions when it's obvious anyone other than children and their parents are considered utterly dull
• Complaints about how the church should be more welcoming to children. From where I sit, all it thinks about is children. And the unhealthy attention (which is basically about clinging on to the next generation in order to keep the institution alive) does the littluns more harm than good.
• Moaning about parenthood on public forums like Facebook. (It can be hard to deal with the positive stuff too but at least then the comment acknowledges good fortune!)
• Facebook profile pictures that are the person's child, not them. If you see your child as your identity, where does that leave those of us who have none?
• Certain questions from well-meaning friends and family, asking you to repeat something you know you have already explained to them about infertility. This is not an easy life situation - please bother to check the facts elsewhere if you forget what I said!
• Discussions about 'family life' that limit it to a parents-and-young-kids scenario
• Christian websites that talk about fertility but do not inform you of opportunities such as IVF because they think it's immoral.

Can't think of anything else for now. Good to have that lot off my chest, though!