This week I am a bit sad about everything. It is tempting not to want to write anything - much easier to wait until I feel better and then explain the past feelings from a position of superiority.
But of course there are days when I feel sad. No doubt more readily in January, due to seasonal ennui.
Emotions were triggered when a couple we know, who had also been trying for quite a while / seeing doctors etc, told us they were pregnant. Seems mean and pathetic to be upset by that. I can't even explain why. It's not because I mind them conceiving, or am jealous. I don't think, anyway. I think it just makes me feel more isolated and fixed into the identity as the infertile couple.
In any group situation, where most people are parents or children, you feel like the odd one out as part of a childless couple. And, especially as a woman, you feel everyone looks at you with pity. Having strength in numbers helps because the pity is spread around and your state can even be perceived as 'normal'.
They are 13 weeks in, which makes it worse. I think - "ah, I have actually been on my own for quite some time and didn't know it."
But this news is only a trigger. It is very good news and it isn't why I am sad. The sadness is always there at some level, and this just gave it an excuse to bubble up. It will dominate for a little while, I expect.
