A bit of a tiswas. + 21 months

Our appointment at Bristol has been postponed and will be on September 12th. (Originally August 29th).

For reasons explained in earlier posts, we don't take too well to delays and postponements any more. But, on the positive side, this means I should arrive at the clinic at a more useful time of the monthly joy cycle; and a rather stressful task at work will be done and dusted. So, it is probably a good thing to wait a few days longer. And we still hold out hope that the rumous of no waiting list are actually true, and so once we get in on the 12th we won't have to hang around for long until we're up and running. (Assuming they will treat us, of course).

The added spanner for the works is that Jon will be moving to Canada in early October. I have known about this for a while but now it's more or less certain so I can mention it.

We really hope to get through treatment before he leaves. But, let's face it, that's very unlikely.  If not, it's not a problem from a medical perspective. They can freeze the sperm for use later.

So, I'm staying here to ensure we get through treatment and to be around the clinic until we know any pregnancy is progressing alright. Once I've waited until 13 weeks, I may as well hang no a bit longer until I can take maternity leave from work (I love my job and this is a good way not to leave it!) And if I don't conceive or I miscarry, we'll have to decide whether I stay behind for even longer to give things a second go.

Not sure how I will manage going through this shiz on my own. Or how either of us will cope with being apart in general. But I have some nice friends to move in with.

Seems rather incredible that we are going to such lengths for something we're not 100% sure we even want...... the biological impulse I guess. And an almighty fight to ensure two years on a waiting list are not wasted.

As I said to my friend Jenni, it's not ideal. But I think we left ideal behind a little while ago. And, anyway, whoever said life should be ideal?!

Not my children. +20.5 months

We have been transferred to Bristol, where there is no waiting list, but have to get through the preliminary tests before we know (how) they will treat us.

I don't think every clinic has the same criteria for treating couples, let alone giving them ICSI, so we wait for our initial appointment to see what will happen.

In the meantime, I resist any suggestion that we deserve or have a right to children, or are suffering anything out of the ordinary. This is not the case. A wise lady I know shared the following, from Gibran's The Prophet, with me. Whatever the future holds, I hope I can continue to believe this to be true.

"Your children are not your children
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams,
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The Archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the Archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable."